Home of Portland's premier Unicycle Gang: the Unicycle Bastards > Doper Articles > Dear Bike polo guy

9/11/08

DEAR BIKE POLO GUY

BREAKING NEWS !!!!!

I recently discovered (through unnamed sources) that our resident VANDAL is a woman!? A female!? a girl!? Usually, this half of the human population is not prone to acts of vandalism. That said, I’m still running with the following letter as I feel that it is more than appropriate. Enjoy!!

Dear Bike polo guy,

A sharpie? Is that all you’ve got? Is that really the acme of your creativity? Is that ….... Oh wait one minute!! I think I’ve seen your work!! Yes! It’s all coming to me now! -In the bathroom of the Baldock rest stop on interstate 5, right? You know, the delightfully rendered vulva seamlessly integrated into the erstwhile screw holes from a bygone ass-gasket holder. How erotic! How racy! How unique! When is your next show? I simply MUST commission one of your truly original works!!

Seriously, a sharpie???? You sign your mother’s ass-gasket screw hole vulva portrait with that pen?

My art ain’t democratic

Love, Doper

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DOpEr RIdEs!

A column

8/19/10

Shop Til You Drop/ UPWCMMX

Oh, MY brothers, your long suffering narrator has simply the most choodenessny news for you:

ready?

Have you ever been stymied by a newbie who asks “say, where can I git one o them there unicycles in town?” Well, my brothers, you need not be stymied anymore!

A Better Cycle has officially become our most favorite bike shop in the whole damn universe!!!! why? good question. Here’s the answer: A Better Cycle is an official Unicycle.com dealer. How’s that song go….? Oh yes, “AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!”

Oh, my Brothers, can you see it? A local shop that will order stuff from the interwebs. glory be thy name! Ok now, let’s not fuck this up. yes? There is a $300 minimum order, so we’ll have to pool our orders and be patient. TimTim (at A Better Cycle) says that a politely worded email regarding our intentions to order might suffice. Also, feel free to go to the shop with your american money bills and order something directly. Be patient. Don’t be a dick. Also wouldn’t hurt to email the shop and tell them how much you love them, no?

Oh Glory! We are saved!

UPWCMMX

Love,

Doper

4/2/10

Pristine

Oh, my Brothers! Your long suffering Narrator is simply Bolnoy to Viddy that he has not punctuated your Gulliver with a story in many many many weeks. I offer you a sincere Appy Polly Loggy and hope you don’t Tolchock me in my Yarbles. To wit; a story:

It’s a sad story I’m about to tell you. I also swear great fucking loads. Hoo Boy! Look away. Please do me the favor of forgetting anything I have ever said about good news regarding pristine singletrack in our lovely lovely pristine Forest Park. All of the promises made by the pristine Forest Park Off-Road Cycling Advisory Committee regarding getting off road cyclists into forest park by this summer are one or more of the following: crap! Garbage! Lies! bullshit! You see, some time ago it was discovered that someone had built an illicit trail deep into the pristine recesses of our beloved FP. Yes, or is it No- and shit howdy did those guys in the video seem to have the collective IQ of 6, maybe 7?, the trail should not have been built. But Holy crap, have the assholes from the FPORCAC who were never ever ever ever going to let MTN (Notice how I didn’t say MBIC?)bikers into FP show their Hands? The word from an unnamed source is that the future of pristine singletrack in pristine forest park is “abysmal”.. FUCK YOU, FPORCAC, FOREST PARK IS NOT PRISTINE!!! It’s a damn nice place. An Island of nature in a medium sized city. But Pristine? Please! Here’s a thought experiment to help you deal with this issue: If 20,000 OFF LEASH dogs are murdered in a forest and no one is there to hear their people’s pitiful wails of grief and disbelief, were they actually skinned, stuffed, fitted with artificial skeletons, given marbles for eyes, and sold as footstools at saturday market?

And while we are on the subject of “Fuck You”......Hey Jugglies, please stay completely out of my life. Do not threaten my friends and cobastards with any of your bullshit ultimatums. Please crawl back into your holes and keep to yourselves. Don’t waste your energy on me or mine. You will be alot happier. Ahhhhhhhh! Happiness!

By the way….....I shaved My beard today