Bastards Take on Ben Hurt III

In case you were unaware, this Saturday, Feb 14 the Bastards were invited to take part in one of the best post-apocalyptic challenges of the year. What’s that you say? When was the apocalypse? Where have you been the last 8 years? But I digress. With little time to plan and little resources left after the great economic decline, the Bastards set out to build their chariot.

They pooled their resources and knowledge and created a truly unique, if not bad ass chariot ready to take on the rest of the PDX thugs. Four horsemen pulled one angry nipple around. Fur and face paint took it over the top.

The chariot race started out at Laurelhurst Park. The horse bar was so wide that it precluded passing by other teams . . . a benefit for sure, but alas . . . the Bastards did not prevail in the race, as others found ways around them or started ahead of them at the start line. Thanks to Joe for providing chase car(bike)updates during the race . . . “utility vehicle ahead” and “another team overtaking you on the left!” It was a great help. Nipple’s quick thinking and dog sledder’s instincts got them out of the muddy grass much faster.

The chariot held out valiantly against the other teams for about 5-6 minutes or so. Then, it suffered a sideways impact that:

1. Badly taco’d one chariot wheel

2. Popped Gunt’s tire

3. Tore off Nipple’s helmet and glasses, pulverized his glasses

4. Bent Max’s thumb back at an unnatural angle.

The four horses went on to wreak more havoc in the battlefield, including one almost successful attempt to overturn the PedalPhile’s rolling fortress. In the end, a lot was learned about chariot design that can only be gleaned from trial and error.

“Next year, Bastards, we are gonna bring it on!!” Max Taint

“I still can’t stop smiling and asking myself, “Was that for real?” MJ

“Big props to Joe for showing up to support the Bastards and running chariot support as I towed the heavy beeotch all around PDX.” MJ

“The Bastards had a stellar performance using brains and wits to navigate the chariot around Laurelhurst Park.” Racer Joe

“We did not come in last.” Nipple

“Epic madness!” MJ

“we Totally won!” Doper

JRyde (of Seattle) sez: “Oh, and before i forget, thank you to the uni-bastards for crushing my ideas that their chariot would suck. when it was rolling their team was one of the best looking things on the battlefield (next to the hampster ball rolling…) nothing was quite as cool as all of that flying fur and four guys in a row pumping their legs like crazy! Sounds like a fetish…”

Posted by Monty on Feb 15, 2009

If You Can't Go on One, Go Xtra-Tall

Of course, the Bastards are all about the one-tire mode of transportation. Of course, as you know, there are times when other forms of transportation are needed. When that need arises, I suggest you take a lesson from one of the founding Bastards and go tall. Like unicycles, tall bikes can be used for everyday use. MJ has created a tall bike masterpiece with his Extra Tall bike. Photo By Rick Bernardi, velologue.com

The advantage of a tall bike over a uni is speed. A tall bike also gets you up above the crowd and has more flair than your average bike.

MJ has taken his prior experience building tall bikes to develop this gem. If you have built or ridden a tall bike, you have experienced the challenges that arrive due to gravity and geometry. After building a tall bike, you may find you have a wheelie popper. MJ’s answer to that is to use the Xtracycle conversion. One of the most impressive things about this tall bike is that it can be converted back to its regular height.

As you can see in this article by Rick Bernardi this bike is an eye-catcher. Rick has done a good job documenting the features and flash with his article, so please take a minute to check it out.

As impressive as this bike is, you may think, “Damn! MJ must be an expert in bike-building to build such a solid ride.” No, he is not. He is a regular Bastard who had an idea, found out what he needed to know, and got assistance to build a dream tall bike. So take a lesson from MJ: If you want one, build it, ride it, and enjoy it. Thanks for the inspiration, MJ. Monty

Posted by Monty on Feb 13, 2009